Solomon Kane + Michael Caine = Pork Sword

Thou art shall begin thy new blog with a review of a film that hath been on release now for 2 years. Yes a review of a film that, if one was interested in, one would probably have viewed and subsequently come to a decision on by now. The film in question is Solomon Kane (2009), a violent sword and sorcery epic is how it is billed. Yes, I can concur it is violent. Yes, swords appear throughout, usually to peform violent acts of bloody severance that result in many appendages flying gracefully through the air in slow motion throughout the film. Yes, there is sorcery, even a sorceror by the name of "Malachi" who emerges finally at the posterior end of this cinematic opus of waffle. Malachi appears to have ancient scriptures tattooed upon his face, yet this is untrue as as it unfolds that Malachi merely fell asleep earlier that day with his head resting upon his local newspaper the abracadabra gazette.

The film tells the tale of a mercenary "Solomon Kane" who is a very, very naughty boy! He's a little scamp of a soldier, so he is. You see he has been slaughtering people willy nilly all across the land to achieve his own goals of victory as so to be hailed the glorious warrior of severed limbs. Satan has been observing these gross acts of carnage and cruelty and decides that Solomon's Ass belongs to him. Satan therefore sends his own personal reaper to bring Solomon to heel, or hell for that matter and claim his soul for eternal damnation. Solomon being the wily little fecker that he is, escapes this confrontation and then swears a vow, to refrain from this day forth, to stop performing violent decapitations, lacerating arteries and other general disemboweling duties, and too live a life of purity as a pacifist. As you can imagine this vow does not last very long. This sets the tone for much repetitive slicing & dicing, daring do, and frivilous action set in a historical fantasy world of witch's, magic and whatnot.

It's an average flick that seriously begins to plod along at a ponderous pace in the last half hour as it becomes ever so clear of the predictable set of events that are about to unravel before my weary "seen it all before" eyes. Yet it is the tone that I have an issue with. It is presented as a sombre, serious film. The film attempts to dictate to the viewer to accept this balderdash sincerely when it is clearly ridiculous poppycock of the highest degree. This is a movie that should be riddled with humour, it should be self deprecating. Solomon should be winking at the audience and uttering corny catchphrases as he dispatches his next victim. Breaking the fourth wall in this movie should have been a stipulation from the moment the camera was switched on. Solomon could have been a Medieval "Alfie" that interacts with the audience narrating a running commentary of his conquests. Conquests in which he uses a real sword as opposed to conquests slain with michael caines pork sword as from the aforementioned 60's classic.

Perhaps Solomon Kane could have taken this Idea of a pork sword and run with it, literally. Instead of a bladed weapon, Solomon could have been endowed with mystical giant tallywhacker with which he would use to batter his opponents with. A magic scepter of pleasure that could be protracted out to any length desired from his medieval trousers and say, employed to pole vault into guarded fortress or castle to save the day. A new hero is born, the purple headed soldier! Yet every new hero needs a nemesis, an arch enemy villain. A villain that knows our hero's one weakness. Just as Superman's achilles heel was kryptonite then this fella cannot lose his stiffy. So step forward that posh bird from popular television property show Frustration, Frustation, Frustration, she who resembles a pig like mutant woman. Yes it is her, in her debut acting role playing the demonic witch. A woman so ghastly that one glance in her direction will shrink our hero's cock to the size of a cashew nut.

So to recapitulate, Solomon Kane is a ridiculously over earnest stab into the ribs of the sword and sorcery genre of films. It's decision to present itself as a serious sombre piece of cinema lacking in any trace of humour or irony, renders it as an overblown, magniloquent entity. That over-earnest stab into the ribs is not merely a flesh wound but a fatal blow that kills this film stone dead.